Adult Charise is very happy that Teenage Charise can still live her truth. After all, I haven’t changed that much. I still wear glasses. I still wear skinny jeans (now “jeggings” ‘cause I don’t gots time for something without a little stretch). I’m still sarcastic and dark-humored and boundary-breaking. Still, I am insatiably consumed with appearance, in both positive and negative lights. I seek approval and validation from my peers and elders. I allow myself to get swept up in whatever current fad interests me- and these fads can last a hot 10 minutes a piece. Needless to say, I am no stranger to obsession. Romanticism is my game, y’all. Imagination is my default mode for safety. I am patient with strangers, but I am short-tempered with the people I love. I snap easily. I seek purpose in all things, and that purpose has to feed a part of my soul that is hungry. If I ain’t hungry, I ain’t eatin’. That’s just who I am, but I fought it for a long time.
Adult Charise is loud in her mind. Teenage Charise was loud in real life, and there was no reelin’ her back in. Regret. Regret. Lots of regret. Those bottom-barreled feelings are steeped in bad dye-jobs and daddy issues. I willingly lose touch with the world, and sometimes, I enjoy it. I like sitting in my feelings and stretching them as far as my sanity will allow. Wrap a little bow around this bundle of emotion, and you’ve got the disconnected side of Charise.
I know these pieces sound bad. They sound like I need a therapist and a wake-up call, and fast! Well, let me tell you a secret- I’ve exhausted my therapy options (for now) AND I’ve had more wake-up calls than I can count. Truly. Because of my extensive therapy sessions (ranging from high school to college to adult years), I have learned many valuable lessons, although one is relevant for this post. I would not be living (and REALLY living) my human experience if I was any different. Spiritually, we are gifted our strengths and weaknesses based upon what our souls need to learn in order to grow. The universe recycles the necessary components of our journey and makes a little care package that ultimately ends up being us! And voila! Here’s our human experience, waiting to be unwrapped.
I can acknowledge these characteristics (flaws, as our society calls them) and because of this, I am hyper-self aware. So painfully self-aware that it often makes my human experience … painful. Ya feel me? I have a feeling that many of y’all do. Seeking guidance through spirituality is such a “woke” personal trait. It shows a few things:
- You’re seeking knowledge in an unknown territory. (Unsure if you know, but it’s real hard to prove any of this stuff) &
- You’re acknowledging that something bigger than yourself is behind this. (“Whatever that is”, right?)
I can acknowledge my flaws, and place them to the side when absolutely necessary. I’ve learned stuff from them, even if they’re still playing lead in my personal screenplay. But that’s alright, because as long as we’re reflecting and writing and spending time in nature and trying our best to navigate this world while concurrently juggling these flaws, we’re still growing. And ultimately, that’s the point.